naming rights

There’s a lot of power in a name. Maybe you know this already: Your name is Michael Hunt or Richard Hertz or you’re a thirteen-year-old girl and your last name is Spitz.

People learn about the power of names in different ways, but everyone learns it eventually. Even if you didn’t have parents as terrible as Mike’s and Dick’s, you may have learned about the power of names from the other kids at school. Some enterprising bully met you at your desk one morning and said From now on your name is Shitstain or Blimpy or Assmerelda. Or you were that bully. Or maybe your roundly despised boss has cute nicknames for you and all of your coworkers. You can see the pattern here.

Anyway, there’s this thing people do on the internet and I guess TV but who even watches TV. They come up with stupid names for people — celebrities and politicians, usually — and then hold up the stupid names as evidence that the people they’re talking about are stupid. You know, like when they call presidential candidates “Mittens” and presidential presidents “Obama Bin Lyin’” and wait for the rest of us to point and laugh. Don’t fall for it.

Remember, the way you talk about people — or even hear them talked about — can make you act like a giant dick, so keep it classy out there.